Saturday, 28 November 2009

The Child Part

Bear with me.

I need to issue some kind of disclaimer which states that the information that follows and the fact that the concept has been mentioned at all, does not in any way imply that the author accepts or acknowledges the existence of such a thing.

Then, in one completely paradoxical swoop, I will contradict my own disclaimer by saying that I know perfectly well that this is a part of me somehow... I am just terrified by the disgust that I feel it may be met with.

Get on with it right?

Fear gets in the way.

My therapist in all her glorious wisdom reminds me over and over again that I have a number of very seperate and very distinct 'selves'.
I am beginning to see how this is really quite true. The filing cabinet seems to have more than two drawers, or there are, at least, sub sections in each drawer.

This post is itself a child, tentatively and stumblingly clinging to the walker as it steps on soft, unused feet.
The ideas we talked about in therapy this week are little prisms, just about an arms length away from me and I tremble as I reach to just brush one with the very tips of my fingernails; hoping that the infintisimal fraction of contact will be just enough to edge the prism into a line of sunlight.

The title of the post acknowledges the topic I am not daring to comment on.
I'll come back to it if I can reach...


  1. We each deal with each prism as we can handle it. GOD gives us just enough strength to deal with one at a time or at least that is the case for me.
    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  2. I also know from personal experience that parts of you seem frozen in time when traumatized. I am "stuck" in a few places yet and I am 50. I'm not sure I'll ever get unstuck now as I have no opportunity to stretch those areas as they should have been long ago.

    I don't think the "trauma" has to be all that dramatic. Perhaps just someone important to you saying something that you take to heart. If you are sensitive - it can be devastating and meanwhile, they might never have even meant anything or been aware of its effect. Like having an epiphany but negatively. Some small thing changes your life forever.

  3. Hi-

    Your writing skill is exquisite, detailed and creative. I am so impressed. I understand the prism-reacah, although I never used that word- I like t.
    I could feel a surge, like an earthquake beginning, rumbling up like a volcano until I finally reached "it". My last prism reach was of Dennis, my dear friend who was also abused by the same teacher - we were eleven. I had blocked out a piece of what happened for decades. I will pray you reach "it" because when you do, you will feel freedom because it can no longer lurk and haunt. I know the process is way more complicated than this - I know.

    Love you

  4. Andrea - thank you for your comment.
    The idea that God only gives us what we can handle at any one time feels like a dificult concept although I am prepared to try to accept it... in theory...
    I feel that God must be somewhere in this whole thing, though I'm not sure where an, most frighteningly, I'm not sure how 'for' all this he is... I'm not sure that he approves of focusing on anything but him. I'm not sure how to work with him on this as I suspect he is none too happy with me. :(
    Thank you for your prayers Andrea.

    Thank you for understanding about different parts...
    I felt sad when I read that you weren't sure whether you would ever be 'unstuck' from 'those places'... It felt as though you were saying that, at 50, something is too late, or perhaps you feel too tired/weary...?
    I want to be able to tell you with authority that I don't think it is ever too late... I wish i couls say that you could make opportunities... i don't tthink I'd have the opportunity if it wasn't for this therapy lark...

    As for trauma...
    I feel as though you have touched something there.
    Technically of course, you are right... Trauma can be anything. It doesn't have to be anything hugely dramatic... and I know that for OTHER people. Just not for me.
    My experiences never, ever feel as though they are valid.
    Thank you for such a thoughtful comment.

    I find it so hard that you,such a beautiful writer, would describe my writing "skill" as 'exquisite'... God alone knows that is not my perception!!
    Thank you for your words Gail.
    I understand that rumbling volcano... I saw your post about Dennis and I understand how you blocked out a piece of the story.
    In terms of reaching 'it'... I have to say that the 'it' I refer to in this post is not any more than just being able to talk about the concept of an 'inner child'...l something that I have begun perhaps to acknowledge to myself but feel completely overwhelmed with disgust at the idea of acknowledging such a thing publically.
    there's a lot that goes with it.
    Thank you, as always, for being here and for being such a faithful friend to me.
    I am touched by your love.


  5. HI Wonderingsoul-

    from one who has journeyed long and hard to my inner child "Annie" may I just say this - I truly know the dark shame and pain of Annie - I kept her hidden for years. when I did begin to give her a 'voice' it was life-changing for the better - eventually. Initially? I was paralyzed, so afraid and so disgusted. I first gave her a name, then a safe place to speak, on paper and I also allowed myself to remember her face - in time, she became so very precious - so amazing that I couldn't imagine my life without her presence - wisdom - strength- and determination to survive. It starts with giving her a name and a voice on paper.
    Make her real!!!

    I know this must sound so hard and awful to consider - I promise you good outcomes.

    Love and hope

    p.s. if you give your inner chid a name Annie will write to her.

  6. You are the inner child, You are that inner child grown, You are that inner child ever remembering, embracing, discovering, initiating. That inner child is life, she is spirit, she is the knowing that is to be known without the imposed judgments, without the imposed constraints, with out the imposed limitation of spirit. She longs for liberation and shared joy. She awaits and is ever present. I know for she has told me so...

  7. My therapist also recognized parts of me and would comment on them. It has taken a while to come to terms that she might be right. I still struggle with it but together we are working on identifing the different parts and what their function might be. I only way I can do it is one small step at a time. The title of your post shows courage.

  8. Hey Gail - I remember reading about Annie.x
    I know it must have been such a long journey and I am so moved by your sharing of that. Moved by your honesty and by the awful things that I know Annie suffered.
    I liked your idea but I don't feel able to do anything like that. You are right that it sounds hard.. impossible even...
    At the moment I am horrified and disgusted by the idea of this child. I couldn't give her a name. She just disgusts me. For no real reason either... which upsets me even more.
    I guess this is something I need to work with but I wanted to thank you for your kind offer.
    Thank you for somehow understanding and for being here. xxx

    Rose Marie.
    I loved your poem. it's hard to comment on because I feel so horrible about the subject.
    I don't want to have anything to do with that child.
    Thank you for your comment and for reading and hearing.

    Lostinamaze - Sounds like we may be in a kind of similar place in terms of recognising things but then struggling with whether they are to be trusted or not.
    It is frightening to be looking at parts which have been unseen or unknown or even just shut up.
    Thank you for understanding the title of the post and the risk.
    One small step sounds right... and sometimes no steps at all. Sometimes just staying in the same place and not making any sudden moves. x

    Sarah - Bless you and thank you.

  9. I came back this morning to tell you to have a gentle day...stay safe

  10. A little overwhelmed by your post Sarah.
    It was more timely than you know...
    Thank you.
    You are an amazing person to have in my corner y'know that?