Monday 15 November 2010

Purge

My fingers
reach down
my throat,
push back
and I heave
and surge
and spew again and again
and
again
my fingers
reach down
my throat.

I wish
the pain
would fall out
this way
or
weighted words
unspoken expulsion
from hot heart pounding darkness.


Desperation

is flecked with orange

tomato skin.

9 comments:

  1. Blessings and prayers,
    andrea

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  2. I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. Please be safe and careful!

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  3. HI LOVE-

    holding you softly in prayer and good thought for your freedom and peace.

    Love to you always
    Gail
    peace....

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  4. Dear Andrea, Wanda, Faith and Gail,
    Thank you for your support.
    I'm finding it hard to resist deleting this post because of the huge sense of shame I feel.
    I'm also finding it hard that I seem to have more things to say than I have words for.

    Faith - Please keep your tears for those who need them most. I feel so guilty that you would care that much.

    Gail - "Held softly" would ordinarily elicit pain... but "softly in prayer" feels like I could curl up and cry like a baby in that place.

    and I can't believe I just wrote that.

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  5. WS, you give me too much credit; maybe I can alleviate your guilt by clarifying that I cry for you as well as for myself. Why, why did you start doing this the same time as I did? In some ways I cry for you because you ARE me. And then in other ways because you aren't. I can't really find answers for myself in your experience, although sometimes I have, I guess, thought or hoped I could. But if you let me cry with/for you as well as for myself, you give me that bit of connection that I am otherwise without. I don't know anyone else remotely like me. I'm surrounded every day by people I can't expose this part of myself to, and the denial is safe, but isolating.

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  6. Hi WS..praying today is easier....softer....gentler. Hang tight okay....In your corner....

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  7. Just want to let you know that I am thinking of you...

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  8. Thank you so much Faith, Sarah and Lost.
    x

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