Saturday, 17 October 2009

The End.

I dont think I will ever see my therapist again.

I feel utterly hopeless and just cannot see any point in anything.

This is not what people want to read. I'm aware of that.
In one sense, I'm angry with myself for appearing to be so lame. In another, I'm furious with the world for wanting me to live behind such a convincing act, wearing the mask with the fixed grin when the insides pulse with black and bloody clots.

Behind the mask, I'm on the offensive. I'm reactive.
If someone seems frustrated or angry with me, despite the fact that logic tells me that it may just be my perception, I will turn to the blade for punishment.
Because I will hurt me more than you could ever hurt me.
I am the only person who has the right to abuse me.
My mantra from days when i was a lot more ill than I am now.
Tonight I want to wear my skin as red gingham.
Claw at the silent, unfeeling flesh until it screams in long red streaks and white subcutaneous fat.

Platitudes, positive mental attitides, slogans, cliches, cognitive challenges, kindness, gentle words, listening, empathy...
They amount to nothing.

In the face of their own hopelessness, people meet despair. In the face of another's, people find anger and disgust.

My walls, bejewelled wth cut glass, crowned with razor wire, offer poor protection against the ghosts of shame and disgust who swoop to whisper that nobody knows and nobody will ever know.


  1. I certainly do NOT have any answers, but I will continue to pray for you.

  2. HI-
    looks like you have dug your heels in - I don't have any answers either especially in a forum such as this. If I were sitting with you I would hold your hand - and I would read you this:

    please click on the above link and read the memorandum.

    Love to you and hope

  3. you may have to type the url into your address bar - ok?

  4. Hey Wonderingsoul, I soo know what you posted here. Felt like this for so long; dancing around professionals who all thought they had the answers for me, telling me what I needed to do....should do....
    please be gentle with yourself. You're a fighter...Never stop fighting. In your corner. Sarah

  5. Thanks.
    Andrea, I don't know what to say. I'm lost right now.

    Gail. A part of me wanted to cry. Another part is too dead to hear the words.

    Sarah. I'm so tired of fighting and I feel as though it's all in my head. Nothing seems real.
    It's not the professionals... It's other people. I'm even having a problem keeping this blog. I dread people's reactions. Dread their disgust and their hatred.
    Blogs are for the hopeful and I am far from that.

  6. There are two things that are absolutely, positively 100% true. The first thing is that you have an inherent right to choose for yourself. In the beginning and in the end and all through the middle of those two points is your free-will, your absolute right to make your own choices. This cannot be argued. Some people might try but they would be wrong.
    The second thing that is absolutely, positively 100% true is that you will not get better without professional help and the passage of time. And all through the middle of those two points is the struggle that is inherent to finding a way to use that help to get better while we endure the passage of time.
    These two things are facts… undeniable facts. There are those that would say that there are no absolutes but again I would say that they would be wrong.
    So you have a right to feel the way you feel and to choose to express those feelings and I have a right to feel the way I feel and choose to express my feelings. You have invited me to do so by allowing comments on your blog. And it is significant that we have both run into each other in this time in our lives when we are struggling to believe that it is ok to feel what we feel and that it is ok to express what we feel vs. what we see as the pressures of our environment to feel something else .
    I would call this a meeting of the minds. I would also call it the oftentimes intolerable burden that God has placed on us by giving us the freedom to choose for ourselves.

  7. HI again-

    The author of the book 'The greatest Miracle In The world" where the memorandum is written asks his readers to read the memorandum every night for 100 nights. Will you?
    Love and hope

  8. Hang in there.
    I can't say I know exactly how you feel because your feelings are yours alone, but I can tell you, from what you have shared here, that I have often felt very similar many times. But I did learn one thing by simply deciding to stay breathing, that's the only decision I made 'Stay breathing'.. that there are many corners out there, and often they come to you and you have to decide whether you want to turn them or not..
    One thing at a time. Breathe, simply breathe and take one thing at a time.
    be safe.

  9. Thank you jss - for your thoughts.
    Yes - I think I would agree with the 'intolerable burden' of choice. I know just what you meant when you wrote about that.
    Thanks for the reminder about the facts.

    Gail - Will I commit to that? In all honesty, probably not, but only because I know I won't manage to do it for that long.
    However, I will give it a go... I can commit to trying. I have little left in the way of faith- something that I NEVER EVER thought I woul hear myself say... but, I will give it a go.
    Thank you.

    Zan - You seem to understand exactly where I'm at and actually, 'staying breathing' is possibly about as much as I can do right now in terms of my 'inside' life where it really feels as though things are withered or alreay dead.
    Thank you for knowing.

  10. I do not know how you feel I havent walked in your shoes. I agree very much with Jss and Zan. Just breath, hold on to life and try not to let yourself down. There was a time where I couldnt imagine a life without fighting every day for just surviving teh day. Time came where I didnt care anymore what other people thought, I was to down for that, I had no hope. I stood at a junction light and thought that I have only two options, to end my life or fight for hope, rest will follow. I could kill myself so I chose the way to find hope. It took me years to find it, always with the picture in my mind that Iam not able to kill myself. It was my driving force. Wish I could explain myself better in my limited English. I will pray you find the first step to your very own path. Love to you.

  11. Thanks Paula. Your comment was so appreciated. I'm glad that you chose life and I'm glad that you are here to tell your story.
    I can't find a link to your blog...? If you wanted to leave it here I would like to visit yours!
    I couldn't kill myself either, though only because I could never inflict that amount of pain on my family.
    Thanks for your thoughts. x