Monday, 5 October 2009

I Need Something

Newton Faulkner says it so well.

I need something to believe in
Cos I don't believe in myself
I'm sick and tired of getting nowhere
Guess it'll all work out


  1. Hey. I like the part that says it will all work out. Everytime I come to your blog I read your bio because it's right beside the post. It's me. Everyone who sees me thinking wow, really cool, happy person - inside - crazy with self-hatred, throwing up, cutting myself. Never give up ok. I'm in your corner. It does get better. I promise. Sarah


  3. You know I would like to caution about that "it will all work out" part. This might indicate to a person that things just simply work themselves out, and sometimes with some things that's true. And so we kind of wait for time to pass (it heals all wounds does it not? No, it doesn't necessarily) and we wait for it to all work out. And then one day we wake up and realize that we're still waiting and it's not passing and why the hell not? Why is it not passing, not working out for me? It does for everybody else doesn't it? The song says it does so it must.

    Things CAN work out but they are a hell of a lot more likely to work out if we do what we must do to get the help we need. DO NOT give up on getting the help you need. This won't 'all work out' by itself. You must get the help you need, you simply must. Don't just believe songs that say it will work out. The last verse of this song (I did not listen to it sorry) should say 'do what you have to do'.

  4. Sarah - Thanks hun. I'm so glad (and at the same time, so sad) that you identify. It sometimes feels good to be written through another... I've experienced that feeling of being 'known' a few times through people's blogs / writing.
    t's a very tough way to live when you are living an inside and an outside life at different poles. I often find it both lonely and exhausting. Appearing 'ok' comes at a high price.
    In your corner too. We can stick together maybe.

    Wanda - Thanks. I hear your hope and value it.x

    jss - I could write forever in response to your comment... I read it earlier and had to walk away and just sit with it for a little bi.Difficult though it is to explain, it tapped into something that I am finding very very hard to put into words. If I could though, I think I would write a whole post about it.
    I think one of the things I find almost... impossible... is that you are actually saying, 'do what you have to do' and not, 'ahhh don't worry about it... Smile... Grin and bear it'...
    I find that difficult.. I don't expect it. I don't expect anyone to really 'get' it. I expect to be told to shut up and stop whining.
    It's why I am finding this blog a really hard exercise. I'm so so so afraid that people will hear the whining and not see the pain.
    It is terrifying getting the help I need. I expect to be dismissed.
    I expect to be sent away.
    I expect people to smile kindly but speak angrily.
    I will post on this if I can actually work up the courage and the voice to do so.
    It feels ridiculously and inexcusably difficult.
    Thank you for listening and for caring. x

  5. You get what I'm saying exactly right. Bottom line - sometimes its damn hard and all the "its always darkest before the dawn" platitudes don't help at all. So...
    we have two choices. We can either give up or we can stay and fight. Either choice is fine because it's your life and your choice. But if you choose to fight then acknowledge that victory will be hard won and will require substantial energy. Plain and simple. And while it may be true that its always darkest before the dawn, that dark night can be awfully long. Occasionally find yourself a rock on which to sit and rest for awhile. Even professional fighters get a breather every three minutes.

  6. Hi, and if I may share a parable of sorts'.....

    A man was at his home and and a bad storm had caused flood waters to rise.

    A rescue boat came by and the rescuers yelled, "come in, get in, or you will drown".. The man replied, "no, no, God said if I pray and believe all will work out 0 He will save me". and the boat left. the man is on the upper floor of his home because the flood waters were rising. A second boad came along, the rescuers yelled once again, "get in, hurry or you will drown!!!" and again the man replied, "no, no, God said it will all work out, if I pray and believe He will take care ofme".

    and now the man is on the roof...the winds were blowing hard, the flood waters were up to the roof, a helicopter came by, and dropped a rope ladder to the man, yelling loudly to him to "grab the ladder, or you will surely drown". the man again yelled back, "no, no, God said if I pray and believe it will all work out and He will save me.........". THE MAN DROWNED.

    when the man got to heven he said to God, "you said if I believed, and prayed that it would all work out and you would save me. and God replied...."I sent you two boats and a helicopter"!!!!!

    Love to you

  7. Gail - I've heard a very similar parable told by Anthony De Mello about a fox with no legs... Heard that one?
    Thanks for sharing that.
    No need to worry! Despite being a (rather awful) Christian, it is highly unlikely I would ever rely on God for anything. This is sadly, due to a complete lack of faith on my part. I'm working on it but it's yet another thing I seem to have lost to depression.

    jss - Thank you. Again, it feels almost unreal to have someone acknowledge what you do.
    The night is feeling impossibly long right now and I long to either lie down and sleep forever or see a gleam of light.
    It does feel like one hell of a battle.