Monday, 26 October 2009

In My Defence

The last post I wrote here was a very hard one for me.
Discussing my sister, trying to capture even a snapshot of the past, feels like a very hollow endeavour. It's as though language was not really created for such depths of pain...
I realise, with a large degree of shame, how melodramatic that sounds... Almost as though to imagine or to admit that anything over superficial pain / suffering is a form of arrogance, worthy only of disgust or dismissal.
I also realise that admitting to suffering leaves me open to the thing I fear the most, which is being branded as someone who has a 'victim' mentality, deemed 'pathetic' or known for showing a lack of resilience.

All this in mind, I feel the need to defend myself against the potential judgements that might be made by asserting that:

1. I do not talk about my family or my sister's illness to anyone.
2. Outside of family and a few old friends, nobody would dream that I struggle with life in any way.
I am regarded as a person who is wise, self aware, stable, grounded... whichever of those kind of terms you use, I'm it.

So... Don't go thinking that I'm some rather weak, pathetic, hapless little creature who bathes in soft self pity and then wraps themselves up in the fluffy words of whoever wants to listen.
I'm not.
Nothing inspires greater disgust in me.

It has been a huge fear of mine that, in writing this blog, in writing about the things that have impacted me, blown me apart, people will judge me to be something repulsively feeble. Now that I come to begin to write about what has been, I feel that fear all the more acutely.


  1. I wonder why it is that those of us who know ourselves to be perceived as wise, stable, strong, smart, capable by others struggle so much when it comes time to let those same others see that sometimes we are not those things.
    I think it is because we have experienced the resistance that those same others have to seeing us as something other than strong and in control. Somebody has to be right? Or the fear even that we can see in their eyes when we display a little vulnerability. They don't know how to handle it, don't know how to respond.
    Funny how we come to need people to always be what we have come to expect of them, especially when what we've come to expect of them places no burden on us. Lets face it, who wouldn't want a friend that needs nothing from me emotionally, that always knows what to do and is always willing to do it? Always there for them but requiring nothing in return.

  2. I would like to add another question:
    In that us 'strong' people allow this situation to exist rather than just telling those around us that we are not stronger, not more capable, etc. than they are, I wonder what is being served within us, what need is being filled (as Jung might say) by never letting anyone see us as something other than that strong person. Hmm... the mystery deepens.

  3. Hi-

    I understand completely. I Often feel vulnerable and judged when I am truthful. For the most part I could care less though - some times I get upset by it and that usually happens when people suggest (like they know better) that I should "let it go", when, I fought hard to hold on because letting go was at great cost - I don't deny any of my "It's"/truths any more - they are all part of me and I honor them all. And over time I learned something else, "what we defend against becomes very real".
    Love to you

  4. HUGS! I think the opposite, I believe that those that can write/talk about their 'weaknesses' or inner feelings are actually very brave and honest people?
    I think you are!

  5. I agree with Zan. You have so much strength, and writing about your fears and struggles doesn't make you weak. I know that I blog to let out all of those feelings that otherwise would be trapped inside. I too worry that people with think that I'm negative, and a downer, but I have to get it out, and writing is how I do that. Keep on writing and being honest with your feelings. It will help you to heal.
    Take care:)

  6. I am in agreement with Zan. You have such a way with words. It shows such bravery, coming out to the world and voice yourself. On top I would like to add: Let this be the place which you had choosen at the begin: Your voice to the world. Yours, no one elses. Safe hugs to you. Paula

  7. Hey WS, in no way do I think you're feeble, weak or playing a victim. Talking on my blog about the things I could never say out loud has brought me a freedom I didn't have before. I pray it will do the same for you. I think we need to get out what festers inside so that it can be released. Tons of blessings. Sarah

  8. I will reply here but it feels hard... This whole blogging thing... sharing stuff... bracing myself to be met with disgust... even imagining that anyone who reads here must feel it... It's difficult.
    Just needing a little time to get my head around it.
    JSS - Yes... Your first point was, I think, quite painfully right... People get used to people being a certain way... fulfilling a certain need... playing a certain role...
    Being 'sunshine and light', the one who can be turned to is so ingrained that others dont cope well with a different me and more to the point, I don't cope well with it either...
    I cannot accept that part of me in some ways.

  9. I wrote responses to everyone's comments and then my bloody laptop decided to restart without giving me warning.

    Anyway - I return to make a second attempt. Maybe it will be easier than the first. You never know!


    Gail - Thank you so much for you endless support nd listening. Thank you for understanding. I really felt it.
    I'm glad you have go to the point you are but hear how hard the journey has been to get to this point.
    I have an odd battle where I dread people telling me to "just shut up ad get over it" and yet, one part of me is saying just that to myself!
    I think if anyone gave that part of me support, I would turn around and run from myself.
    What you defend becomes real... Yes. Gail - I'v thought about that since I read it... I think I start perceivng others' disgust when perhaps it is ot really there....
    Anyway. Lots of food for thought. Thank you.

    Zan - Bless you. I really would never call myself brave... but... thanks.
    I know what you mean about it taking guts to be open and honest. I#m not great at it and it scares the hell out of me... but... y'know.
    Thanks for being here Zan.

    Angel - Thanks for understanding.
    Isn't it strange that we worry so much about what people will say / think if we are not cheery..? What is that about I wonder?
    Cheers for sharing in this and for bing so honest yourself.

    Paula - You always say such lovely things. Thank you for your sincerity and your encouragement.
    Yes.. perhaps this is a good place to try to use my voice when it is strong enough... I never realsied that blogging was like this... When I started out, I didn't know that people READ blogs! I just thought they were pieces of writing that floated around cyberspace without ever being seen.
    Apparently not.
    Take care paula. Thank you for your hugs.

    and... Sarah... last but by no means least...

    Thank you Sarah.
    You always seem to understand so well. I guess cos you feel some sense of identity with some of the stuff mentioned here...
    I'm so glad that you have found blogging helpful to you... I hear you searching to voice things in your own writing... the struggle to get the words out... I knw it can feel so painful and so... frustrating soemwhere really deep down.
    Thanks for your words.


  10. Thank you for sharing such a painful post. I agree with the others, you are a very brave woman! A strong woman. A courageous woman. Words hard to hear I am sure, as they are for me to when people speak them to me. But it is true. Blessings dear one.

  11. Dont you feel as if writing theses posts help you to sort through things? Cause thats why I do it. And listen I am reminded all of the time that I care too much about how others feel about me. Remember that only you can make yourself feel certain things. Youve been through alot. I realize that you want people to read your blog and its a really good one. If they don't like it then they don't need to read it. People who read your blog probably have alot in common with you and are either trying to help you or are learning from your experiences. Its a help to you and helps others like me also. You just write what you want. Its very theraputic to get this stuff out and writing it down is a great way. People for the most part are really generous and good. So take what they say as compliments, and God Bless You.

  12. Just Be Real - Yes. Very hard words to hear.
    Thanks for knowing that and thank you for your courage too. x

    Looking For Normal - Yes. It is therapeutic I guess. It's also very, very frightening and makes me feel very vulnerable.
    When I forst began this blog it was as an alternative to using a support forum where I felt i could no longer bear the care of others who were reading.
    I never realised that blogs were 'followed' or that it was such a community thing.
    I have been surprised at my own level of fear despite the fact I don't know anyone here.
    Thank you for your encouragement and for your reminder that most people are generous and good. You are right of course. There are certainly some extremely lovely people who read here and you are one of those.
    Take care.