Friday, 2 October 2009

Hopelessness, My Disease.

I'd been psyching myself up to write something positive, or at the very least, poetic, but tonight I am faced with the profoundly disquieting aftermath of a Friday evening therapy session and it feels a though a storm has raged through my being and left me for dead.

I wish I had words to describe the despair that lies on the inside.
The depths of it are indescribable.
Hopelessness. And it is absolute.

My therapist sat and talked and the more she spoke the further I away I moved.
In the end, her words became a meaningless blur of sound.
I sat in pitch darkness, frozen, staring at the wall and counting.
It felt as if I was counting to save my life; to save myself from shattering; to save something from falling so far that it would never be able to get up again.

Inside of me is a death that is too old and too tired to be turned to life.

Depressing? Yes. Perhaps that is what this is.
I think depression has become such a part of me in the last fifteen years, that I no longer recognise it as being a seperate entity.
Depression is like a tree which grows INTO and incorporates any immoveable object in the path of its growth. It is entwined in me and it is so numb and so normal that I can no longer identify it.


  1. HI_

    I believe you.

    Love Gail

  2. hi; its crazy when you are depressed and full of anxiety how your body cant tell the difference between say being excited for something or being nervous. Everything seems to be the same emotion or atleast our bodies react the same way to them. If someone asks me to lunch I'm supposed to be excited, happy. And would like to be. But instead Im thinking of how to get out of it, nervous and mad at the fact that it will take me out of my comfort zone. Hand in there.

  3. I meant hang in there. God... I cant even talk over the internet. lol.
    please visit my sight if you havent already; I think that we might have allot in common.

  4. your way of expressing what goes on inside you is amazing - amazing because it's been me and it's so accurate. Praying you have a gentle weekend, Stay safe, ok.