Anger has burned through me and left a black, hollow space of silent ash and dust.
It's a story I won't be able to tell.
Silence is heavy but safer.
If I could place a pillow over the hurt, I would suffocate it. Sit on it until it stopped moving.
I hate it that I sound this pathetic right now. I disgust myself.
Sunday 22 November 2009
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Hi-
ReplyDeleteWhatever "it" , at the very least, write it down - even if no one else sees it. It WILL help to get some if the agony out of you and on to the paper. I will pray that you feel brighter soon - and that self love, in time, becomes natural.
Love to you
Gail
peace and hope
The things I have said, out loud, in a quiet, trembling voice, were received with compassion and grace. The things I thought I would never say, even to myself, are out of me now. I looked at each piece of that dark and ugly place, turned it over, and then passed it away, gave it to someone else to hold for me.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find the peace and courage that will help you realize that it is not your shame to hold. It was never yours. Someone else gave it to you to hold, and you've been carrying it ever since.
If it would help, I can listen. I've been where you are and it would be a great gift to be able to help someone else out of that darkness.
I understand the anger, the silence and the untold stories. You don't sound pathetic to me.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you feel hostility toward yourself. The miserable, dismal mood I understand. No way for me to avoid those, unfortunately. But I do hope you can find glimmers of self-love in the darkness. Look for those little crystals that never get completely crushed. The ones that keep us trying in spite of one disappointment after another. There are sapphires of self-preservation within us all, and those gems are currencies of self-esteem, and reasons to take care of ourselves and go forward. Easy to write such words, harder to find meaning in them when the light goes dim. But please understand my heart reaches out to you in the only way it can through this medium: with words.
ReplyDelete